I was worried about Father’s Day being sad for obvious reasons. That is what I was prepared for on Sunday morning.
 What I was unprepared for was this

-Jen, “Dani - where’s your car?”

Yes, seriously someone stole my car from right behind  the condo. Right from the parking spot. What was left behind was this: one empty cardboard box, one piece of plastic from the outside of the car, and one piece of plastic from the inside of the car.This is the following sequence of events:

1. Sort of panicked hyperventilating crying
2. Panic associated with being out of groceries and not having a car
3. Started to breathe and then called the Police
4. Quote to remember from the police - “You do know that we do not actually look for cars. We will let you know if we happen to find it.”
5. Called the insurance company.
6. Found out that insurance broker had actually included coverage for a rental car without me even knowing it. 
7. Thanked god of insurance for rental car coverage.
8. Slowly the memory of all of the stuff we had left in the car started to come back (tent, camping chair, camping mats, yoga mats, weights, water jug, shoulder bag, and omg. digital camera and ipod.)

Then we walked to the car rental place and got a car and were able to grocery shopping and life seemed as if everything might be ok. This feeling was further supported by the nice Nissan Sentra I was given as a rental.

 The following day I met with the adjuster. I gave a little description of the car. I found out that I could claim for my lost stuff through my contents insurance. There was a little interview. My favorite question was this - “Did you look around the parking lot?” Um yes, I turned around and looked at the other 11 cars still parked there. Thanks.

 Tuesday night I received a call from the police. I will report the following as a dialogue.

 Police Man - “I have some good news and some bad news for you.”
dp- “You found my car, but it is trashed.”

 Police Man - “It has definitely been tampered with. It’s in bla bla parking lot by Columbia College. Do you know anyone who parks in this parking lot?”
dp - “Where is it?” 

Police Man - “Do you know anyone who goes to Columbia College.”
dp - “Is that a real place?” 

Police Man - “We will have it in the impound lot within an hour.”
dp - “I will come see it tomorrow. Is there stuff in it?” (What I was really thinking was there was no way in hell I was going to see it that night because I was not letting it get in the way of the FLEETWOOD MAC concert). 

Police Man - “There are contents scattered throughout.”
dp - silent hope. 

The END. of that.

 The following shall be entitled - “The Impound Lot.” 

Actually besides the fact that I was at an impound lot checking out my stolen car, I consider my experience there pretty damn positive.
Everyone there was nice to me. First a nice man drove me to my car. It is not destroyed but there is quite a bit of damage. Given that my car is a bit of an older car I am not sure how much damage is too much damage.

• the drivers side mirror is MISSING
• the ignition is MISSING
• the passenger side lock is destroyed and even looks a bit burnt possibly
• there is some minor body damage 

The weights and the hoody were still in the car. There was also men’s deodorant. Which is not mine. So I will continue with the claim.The worst part is now that the car has been found and needs to be repaired I will need to pay a deductible. So I was actually better off when it was completely missing. 

This brings us up to today. I am driving the rental car and pretending it is mine. Welcome to my waiting game.  

Telemarketer: Hi - can I speak to Danielle?

DP - Hi there, it is me.

TM - I would like to let you know that you have won a consolation prize for a draw you entered in Canada. The prize is a cruise to the… Bahamas!

DP - Oh (sad voice). I can’t go on a cruise because I am unable to fly due to a medical condition.

TM - How long will the illness last? Because this offer is good for a year and a half!

DP - I have had this medical condition since birth.

TM - Oh (sad voice). So sorry. God Bless.

Disconnect 

Jen and I attended a clothing show in Toronto on our way home from the Bahamas. It was entertaining enough and I saw some belts I wanted, but couldn’t afford. We accidentally entered our names and phone numbers into a draw for a car. This seems harmless enough. Cue the telemarketers.

For weeks we have been getting 3 calls each a day from a number in Florida. I was  curious so I googled this number, only to find numerous complaints that this number was a scam offering a free cruise to the BAHAMAS!!

We had avoided answering these calls, but finally I couldn’t take it one more time. The other day I grabbed Jen’s phone to confront the monster on the other end. The conversation:

Monster Voice (MV): Hello is Jennifer there?

DP: I am sorry, she is out. Can I ask what this is about?

MV: Yes, she has won a cruise to the BAHAMAS!

DP: Oh. (Sad voice)

MV: Would there be a time we could call her back?

DP: Actually - we just came back from the Bahamas. And we hated it. We never want to go back.

MV: Silence

DP: Can we be removed from your calling list?

MV: Oh yes, absolutely.

Disconnect.

Please stay tuned for Part 2 - “Dani’s Phone”

My grandparents are getting old. On Monday I made the short/endless drive to Lethbridge for a quick day and a half visit. Every time I am shocked to find my grandparents have aged by about a thousand years. I had an idea of making a chimney for lighting charcoal for our new bbq (another story altogether). I purchased a tin for $8. It came with a lot of coffee. I forgot to take the tin with me to Lethbridge. So never worry - grandpa had about 20 of them laying about the garage. Free. We worked together in the workshop. The floor boards smelled as if they had been soaked in beer. The result of decades of projects in the garage. The online instructions I had located indicated that a wire hanger should be used to make a grate for the coals to sit on, and then for the handle. My grandpa looked at me as if I were the most ridiculous human on earth. He then fashioned a handle out of some metal he had laying around and attached it to the can with a rivet gun. For the grate, we used a cut from a square stainless steel grate. We rested it on cut pieces of metal attached to the can with… a rivet gun. I use the term “we” loosely, since about the only thing I was allowed to do was hold the tin can. By the end of this 2 hour project grandpa was complaining about the pain in his back. Something I had never heard him do before. As a side note, last year my friend Kim drove by their house and reported back to me that my grandpa was STANDING ON THE ROOF - shoveling snow off. Grandma has suffered some leg and foot pain over the years that has now extended into her back! They are old! Her feet are so bad that in 6 months she wore a hole in a pair of Birkenstocks. Within a few months more half of the sole was missing. Frustratingly she is too stubborn to seek help. She also insists on mowing the lawn weekly. Stubborn.  There used to be a half decent bed in the “kids” room. Now there is a daybed that for all I know was found in an alley or at a garage sale.  Not very comfortable. The room is full of junk purchased for George, the youngest grandchild who just turned 8. The most ungrateful child I have ever seen in my life. I finished my visit with a dog walk  and dinner. Then back to Calgary, where I am currently watching “Til Debt do Us Part.” Eventually I will get in the shower and make my way to work. 

Well I have been putting everything off until May. Some examples:

• in May I will clean up the office
• in May I will organize my dresser
• in May I will get a part time job
• in May I will be friends with my friends again
• in May I will become thin
• in May I will go to the Bahamas (although this mostly occurred in April)
• in May I will learn to love yoga
• in May I will lean how to speak cat
• in May I will find an answer to world hunger

Ok. It’s May now. Let me tell you about what I have accomplished. I spent a week in the Bahamas. I have some advice for you if you are ever going to go to the Bahamas. Do not stay in Breezes. Breezes is an all inclusive resort. I am assuming its charm is in the fact that is half of the price of Sandals. Naively we decided we would spend the day at Breezes on a day pass. This way we would be able to take advantage of the all inclusive atmosphere including food, drinks, and activities. The clientele reaked of middle class  American arrogance. The food was buffet style. We arrived as soon as the day pass began and were able to scrape some dried up fried potatoes and egg type items out of the serving containers. The activities were non existent. I mean, unless you count the human horse races I took part in. The lunch buffet did have some iceburg lettuce which was nice because veggies are hard to come by. There was a little booth by the pool that sold hot dogs, hamburgers, conch fritters (of course). We took full advantage of this. Especially right before it was time to leave. In order to maximize the value of the day I drank as many drinks as possible. If I was unable to finish one I waited until it melted and then got one or two more anyway. It was an exercise in gluttony.

That was probably the low spot of the visit. Otherwise I had an amazing time in the Bahamas. It is probably one of the more expensive places to holiday unfortunately. Taxis are quite expensive. The local bus service is great with a bus running down the main road every couple of minutes. It is an interesting service with the buses being privately owned, but licenced by the government. Since every bus driver is an entrepreneur, if you were lucky you could catch a bus after dark even though that was when they officially stopped running.

One experience in a taxi left me surprised by a young kid I was playing rock paper scissors with. I did not know that gun was an option in this game. Apparently if you play “gun” you win. Who knew.

Ok so most activities were pretty pricey, and although we did not do as many cultural, historical visits as I would have liked we did pop in on one on that was on the way to the market. The museum of slavery is fascinating, small and only $3 for adults to get in. There was even an unadvertised student rate that I missed out on. In regards to the market - put your bartering hat on. Oh - and don’t leave your simple math behind. Pete was trying to buy something for $7, but he wanted 2 of them. The deal offered by the sales lady was 2 for 15! They are hand made!

Most beaches are pretty amazing in the Bahamas. We did find one though that was better than all of the rest.  Cabbage beach on Paradise Island was AMAZING. We went twice actually. If you are stubborn enough you can get there for quite cheap. This involves a mix of bus, ferry, or walking. It is a pretty long walk after you cross the bridge to the other side of another island - but I think totally worth it. The second time we went the weather was great, we played in the ocean, and I had a long nap.

We went snorkelling one day, which was not all that expensive. In hindsight I would have saved the money from snorkelling, and also from the day at breezes and invested in an all day adventure on a private island. There were quite a few advertised and they sounded amazing! Next time. We finished our adventure off with parasailing. Well Jen wouldn’t go (fear of water + fear of heights = never in a parasail) but Pete and I went and it was AMAZING. Albeit a little short.

To summarize - I can not wait to go to the Bahamas again. Hopefully I can work there once I graduate. Nassau is only enough for a few days though, and next time I would want to visit more islands!

Posted on postsecret.com on March 29, 2009

Safeway put in self checkouts in almost all of their stores. This enables me to do all the work that they used to pay someone else to do.

Usually they don’t work properly and for a long time they were completely unsupervised. There is one safety feature though - once you ring something in there needs to be an appropriate amount of weight placed on the bagging platform. The reverse is true as well, you can’t just put something in a bag without first ringing it in.

Jen and I came to a brilliant solution to this “problem”. Asparagus (for example) is very expensive (especially in the winter!)  - bananas on the other hand are completely CHEAP. Enter in the code for bananas - thus satisfying the “ringing in” portion of the equation - and then place the asparagus in the bag - fulfilling the “weight in bag” requirement. Tada. For quite a while we were able to get discounted asparagus.

Then came the day when we had pulled the asparagus trick, and then were ringing in an onion. The safeway lady came running over to correct an error we had made - “Those are not! Jumbo onions!” I was freaking out internally. The lady continued, “I didn’t want you to pay more than you had to!” and proceeded to ring in a code that gave us a better price on our lone onion. My heart was pounding from my fear of going to jail for self discounting asparagus and I never cheated Safeway out of any money again.

This bring us to yesterday. I was buying some fruit at the self check out at Safeway in Kensington and everything was going smoothly. I rang in the outrageously priced apples (organic - because the ingredients on the last bag of apples we purchased that were not organic included petroleum and shellack.) I was trying to move onto my next item but the self checkout interface seemed stalled. I felt a presence to the left of me. Big Scary Self Checkout Police was standing there.

“You did not ring in your apples.”

I knew I must have since my running total had doubled after doing so. So I pointed out the apples on the bill, and she said that she must have been confused because they were organic. Yes. I understood because I find organic food confusing too.

This experience brought back the rush of fear I felt with the onion/asparagus incident and I am sure it is enough to keep me honest for a while yet.